Film Snark

Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.
B
Disney Animated Features

A Goofy Movie
Released: April 7th, 1995

I know this is shameful for someone my age but I've never seen this movie before. I may have caught bits of it when my brothers were younger, but the only thing I remember is Pauly Shore doing the leaning tower of cheese-a. I'm pretty much going into this one blind.

THAT IS A HIGH SLIT ON THIS GIRL'S DRESS IN THE FIRST 2 SECONDS OF THIS FILM.

Notable Grossness

  • Lots of ridiculous 90s misogynistic garbage, catcalling the student body president
  • Bobby calling Max and PJ "ladies" for seemingly no reason.
  • I wish there wasn't weird judginess of a big fat lady and tiny dude having a romantic episode
  • Is it just me or did spraying the girls with the Cheese-Whiz seem a little like a wet t-shirt contest? :/ Bleck.

Don't worry, Max, it is also my nightmare to turn into Goofy.

Awh, he has a Mickey Mouse phone. Hi also, Goofy is the literal best dad, I'm already mad at Max for being a teenager. This feels like the opening of every high school musical (including High School Musical) ever. I hope they make this compelling, because I actually love high school musicals.

Jesus Max, you're stressing me out. And your vocal work is not excellent.

Aaaaaaand here is Pauly Shore. I knew this was going to come at some point. No stupid joke about the leaning tower of cheese-a yet. Remember when we all called kids "Peej" and "Deej" in the 90s when their nickname was initials like PJ/DJ? I do.

Shaun Wallace! Yes! Best principal voice ever. Okay Max, could you not attempt to stick your tongue down Roxanne's throat as a part of your act? Gross.

Goofy as a child photographer is so perfect. Of course he works for Pete, why wouldn't he. 🙄

Hi everyone, why are we talking about gang members? Meanwhile, this baby running away from Pete after escaping from her diaper is hysterical.

I love Max snagging the fork out of the kid's hand before it electrocutes itself. It is immediately undone by Max being a lying shit to Roxanne. Eff you, Max.

My favorite thing about this movie so far is the representation of how teenagers sit flopped on every surface.

Um....is this a corpse dancing on top of a hearse? Yes. Yes it is. Followed by the creepiest-ass possums made of wood planks and bent nails. "Beat it, doofus" is a really great moment, actually. I really hope there;s a moment where Goofy talks about how making people laugh is the most worthwhile thing in the world to him, since Max is so insecure and worried about being embarrassed. Also, I'm so glad I didn't have kids, because this phase of teenage life is so annoying.

Okay Pete being a dad is actually weirding me the hell out. But I want a camper with a bowling lane on top. "A Goofy Movie: That One About Teenagers, Gang Members, and Bigfoot". Bigfoot is the funniest part of this movie so far. I am actually laughing out loud at Bigfoot disco dancing in the background.

Oh Max, are you going to be an even worse person than you've already been? Yes. Yes you are. You're the worst.

OMG GOOFY DO NOT ANNOUNCE TO THE DINER THAT THIS CHILD CAN HAVE THE MAP. He's a good dad, he really is, but man, don't intentionally embarrass your kid, Goof.

Where the hell were they jet-skiing in the middle of the country? OMG Max took him to the giant house of yarn. Apparently Goofy is 100% me.

Pete: "He's just a bad kid Goof." EFF YOU PETE. Poor Goofy. They're actually making this trust between parent and kid thing really intense. I'm pretty impressed with how this is playing out, and how I'm emotionally attached, even though I never saw this as a kid. Angry Goofy is making me really sad.

The animation in this film is fairly inconsistent in style, but it's not terrible; I just noticed it. The music is also varied in quality. I don't think I was expecting to like ANY of the music, and I was expecting it to be extremely dated to the 90s, but it's not as bad as I expected. It's a pretty great combo of old-style cartoon music and 90s music too.

Bobby, are you trying to be a giant asshole? Because you are. Then 1 second later, claiming your buddy Max is on TV, what a tool.

Ah good. Roxanne doesn't care that he lied, great, great, great, cool, cool, cool.

Well, nothing like a teen movie with no consequences for shit behavior. But it was actually pretty damn entertaining, and Goofy is really a sweet character when they give him motivations. This was a pretty solid film, I don't know if it's one I'll need to watch a bunch of times, but I really liked it.

March 1st, 2022
Pete's Dragon
A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.

Recent Snark

Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.

Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews is a genuine delight, whether she's being fun or she's irritated. It's not just her voice, her whole presence is just delightful. George and Winifred Banks are excellent side characters, and the kids are as adorable as they need to be. Dick Van Dyke is a national treasure and I won't hear a word against him.

Structurally, there's not really a plot, but that makes sense given that it's based on a series of kind of episodic books. It's also very long. I think the length and episodic nature takes away from the character study of stuffy, cross Mr. Banks and how he learns from his children (and Mary Poppins and Bert) how to retain a sense of wonder and joy. But it's consistently fun. The music is delightful, the dancing is wonderful, and the adventures Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids go on are spectacular. I'm sure I have nostalgia for it but I think this stands up, to be honest.

The dings on the grade are for occasional bad costumes, bad makeup, the length, the imperialist nonsense. I'm honestly tempted to raise it back up because of the flawless animation/live action melding.

September 13th, 2022
Simba, a young male lion with brown fur and no mane, stands on a rock to be face-to-face with Scar, an adult male lion who is fairly skinny, with brown fur, a dark brown mane, and a scar across his left eye and left eyebrow.

The Lion King

This is a really epic movie, but it's less of my favorite than I remember. It still has some great moments and songs I like but basically, the half of the movie where Simba's away from Pride Rock is more boring than I remember, and I care a lot less about Simba when he's not a tiny baby.

February 22nd, 2022