Film Snark

Simba, a young male lion with brown fur and no mane, stands on a rock to be face-to-face with Scar, an adult male lion who is fairly skinny, with brown fur, a dark brown mane, and a scar across his left eye and left eyebrow.
A-
Disney Animated Features

The Lion King
Released: June 24th, 1994

This is a really epic movie, but it's less of my favorite than I remember. It still has some great moments and songs I like but basically, the half of the movie where Simba's away from Pride Rock is more boring than I remember, and I care a lot less about Simba when he's not a tiny baby.

Okay, so. It's probably a tie between The Lion King and The Little Mermaid for "Disney movie I have watched the most times in my life." I was 12 when The Lion King came out.

Notable Grossness

  • The mixing of languages; the initial song is in Zulu, but according to this source, the character names are in Swahili and story elements take from Masai culture. It's not inherently gross to be pan-African but some amount of acknowledgment of the diverse cultures incorporated would have been cool.
  • Very mild fatphobic/fat-shaming comments about Pumbaa and also making "the fat one" the one with bodily function jokes. I was pleased though, that when the rhino sat on Zazu, he didn't make a fat joke, and instead just said, "I beg your pardon, madame, but get off!"
  • Counterpoint! Even though Timon says, "What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?!" (and then does so), I honestly feel like this is a healthy (tiny) representation of drag (largely because they call it drag) and it feels to me like the humor comes from them being live bait doing a song to get the hyena's attention.
  • Counter-counterpoint: Scar's queer coding. For high-level info on Disney villain queer coding, check out Screen Rant's list "Maleficent & 9 More Disney Characters You Never Knew Were Queer-Coded"

I have no shame in admitting that this was one of the most appealing parts of the film for me: Jonathan Taylor Thomas, a young white actor with blue eyes and blonde hair down to his chin looks off camera, his hand under his chin, wearing a white t-shirt with a dark blue v-neck hooded sweater over it, smiling.

LOOK OUT LITTLE MOUSE. Jeremy Irons was such a perfect casting choice for Scar. Two sentences in and he's making death threats, what a drama queen. I won't even be able to keep up with this dialogue, it's so incredible. The jokes just keep coming. "Oh look, Zazu, you made me lose my lunch."

"There's one in every family, sire. Two in mine, actually." "Just think, whenever he gets dirty, you can take him out and beat him."

I'm 7 and a half minutes in and typing furiously over here. I remember the Lion King being a much more artistically beautiful film, but perhaps in retrospect and with the distance of time and new technology, I've lost my appreciation for the art. Also my TV is a lot bigger now than it was back then.

The chemistry between James Earl Jones, Jeremy Irons, and Rowan Atkinson is :chefs-kiss-emoji:.

"I told the elephants to forget it, but they caaaan't." "As you know, cheetahs never prosper."

"Hey Uncle Scar, when I'm king, what'll that make you?" "A monkey's uncle."

Every time I watch this movie, I like "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" less and less. But I genuinely think that's just because "Be Prepared" is so exceptional. I'm so pleased Jeremy Irons voiced that song himself. The animation during "Be Prepared" is actually really great, with the terrifying rows of marching Nazi hyenas - Shenzi, Banzai and Ed are a bunch of slobbering, mangy, stupid poachers, after all, so that number really sets up the threat Scar actually is to the pride. Plus, the earth moving and creating the spires of rock is really impressive. Especially followed by the stampede, the camera work and the realistic styling on the wildebeest was clearly part of why I remember this being so beautiful.

Welp. Simba's alone in the gorge. "Dad, come on, you gotta get up." That's some choice JTT voice acting right there. And when he snuggles under Mufasa's paw, and the way he hugs Scar's arm looking for comfort, what a poor tiny baby and I'm so sad.

BOWLING FOR BUZZARDS! Pumbaa and Timon are classic. We don't deserve Nathan Lane. The puns in this movie are choice, especially after these two fools get involved. I wonder how many grubs a lion has to eat to grow normal-adult size. Like, probably a lot, right?

"Can You Feel the Love Tonight" is essentially a lion sex scene, why are we doing this?!?!?!?! I'm really uncomfortable with Nala's bedroom eyes. Also I don't like this song very much. To be very real, I've never been a big Elton John fan, and I can remember hearing the Elton John-sung version a million times on the radio in my childhood. I'm just......not a fan.

TIL that Nala is voiced by Moira Kelly. But now it sounds 100% like a scene from West Wing. "You think you can just show up and tell me how to live my life?" Like, Simba's got a point, y'all. He didn't choose to be born to be king.

Hehehehehe, Simba's sassy eyeroll at Rafiki is perfection. Rafiki, a mandrill with gray fur and red and blue skin on his face, bounces on a tree branch while Simba, a brown lion with a reddish mane, lays on a branch below that crosses a shallow river. Rafiki throws a rock into the river to get his attention and sings 'Asante sana squash banana, Wewe nugu mimi hapana.' Simba makes an epic eyeroll at Rafiki.

When Simba goes back to fight Scar, the dialogue is extremely intense. I also didn't notice before that when they hyenas get beat up, the dog-whine noise is really sad. 😭 Warning to those of you with kids, this movie has a lot of violence - that didn't resonate with me as violence as a 12-year-old who grew up on action movies and Star Wars and watched on small screens. But these lion fights could be pretty scary looking on these big TVs.

The hyenas just ate Scar while Pride Rock is all on fire, and my husband said, "Yeah, that's a nice pan-seared lion." 👏🏼

In general this feels like such an EPIC Disney film, maybe the most epic since Fantasia. I'm assuming some of that has to do with the fact that it's basically Hamlet in the savanna.

February 22nd, 2022
Pete's Dragon
A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.

Recent Snark

Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.

Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews is a genuine delight, whether she's being fun or she's irritated. It's not just her voice, her whole presence is just delightful. George and Winifred Banks are excellent side characters, and the kids are as adorable as they need to be. Dick Van Dyke is a national treasure and I won't hear a word against him.

Structurally, there's not really a plot, but that makes sense given that it's based on a series of kind of episodic books. It's also very long. I think the length and episodic nature takes away from the character study of stuffy, cross Mr. Banks and how he learns from his children (and Mary Poppins and Bert) how to retain a sense of wonder and joy. But it's consistently fun. The music is delightful, the dancing is wonderful, and the adventures Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids go on are spectacular. I'm sure I have nostalgia for it but I think this stands up, to be honest.

The dings on the grade are for occasional bad costumes, bad makeup, the length, the imperialist nonsense. I'm honestly tempted to raise it back up because of the flawless animation/live action melding.

September 13th, 2022
Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.

A Goofy Movie

I know this is shameful for someone my age but I've never seen this movie before. I may have caught bits of it when my brothers were younger, but the only thing I remember is Pauly Shore doing the leaning tower of cheese-a. I'm pretty much going into this one blind.

March 1st, 2022