Film Snark

Ariel, a white mermaid with red hair, wearing a purple shell bikini top, with a green fin, picks a yellow flower petal off of a flower growing on a pink coral hill.
A+
Disney Animated Features

The Little Mermaid
Released: November 13th, 1989

We all knew where this was going to land, right? I mean, come the hell on.

My. God.

Notable Grossness

Sebastian's song should be "Ask the Girl If You Can Kiss Her". The stereotypical African American people in the Under the Sea number. Ariel getting married at 16? Also, is it just me or is Eric CLEARLY in his late 20s? GROSS ERIC.

Alan Menken.

Thank you for existing.

This movie is perfection. I'm sure that my complete love for this movie is honed to a fine point by my nostalgia for it, but I literally don't care. Ariel is the headstrong teenager with opinions, rebellious, brave, and funny. Her squad is Sebastian (compassionate and just plain passionate, an artist and a comic genius), Flounder (everybody's sweet little guppy), and Scuttle. I know you're expecting this but I deffo sorted everybody. Ariel's a Gryffindor, Sebastian's a Slytherin, Flounder's a Hufflepuff, and Scuttle is a Ravenclaw. Legit want to hear opinions on this sorting, because I feel STRONGLY about it.

The music, the music, the music. So many good, memorable, well-written, character-driven, musically interesting songs. Under the Sea, Fathoms Below, Kiss the Girl, Poor Unfortunate Souls, and Part of Your World. Part of Your World is 8 times better than Once Upon a Dream and I LOVE Once Upon a Dream.

URSULA. IS. A. GODDESS. She is also a Slytherin and Flotsam and Jetsam are Hufflepuffs. Triton's a Gryffindor. Eric is a Gryffindor. Grimsby's a Ravenclaw. Carlotta's a Hufflepuff. Louis is a Slytherin. Max is a Hufflepuff too. Ursula the sea witch, a large half-octopus/half-human, gestures openly with her arms, her back to the viewer. Her human skin is pale purple, her octopus half starts at her waist and is black, her hair is short and white and is floating in water. Flotsam and Jetsam, her two gray eels, encircle her body as she moves. The caption reads, "When I Bring In My Feminist Opinions"

I honestly feel like Ursula is the first villain where you FEEL her character. She completely embodies the role. Her tentacles are like another character; they remind me of Dr. Strange's cape. Flotsam and Jetsam are really excellent hencheels, and they're very threatening.

Definitely off course from the source material but the original Little Mermaid is pretty frickin horrifying so you know, I'm good. There's so much action and excitement and the romance doesn't really bother me at all (though ending in a wedding when she's 16 is, you know, pretty gross).

The voice acting in this is spectacular, every character is unique and well-fleshed-out. Also the animation has a new feeling to it, the character faces resonate with me in a way that prior ones don't (except Sleeping Beauty). PS, did anyone else really desperately try to get their hair to behave like Ariel's underwater when swimming at the community pool? No? Just me? Great.

Eric, dude, you've never heard of laryngitis? There would have been no movie if he'd asked, "Did you save me from a shipwreck the other day?" instead of saying, "What's your name? Oh....you can't talk.....guess it's impossible you ever talked in your life before right this moment."

I love how the story goes between Eric on the surface and Ariel under the sea until she gets her legs. The switches in context are just so expertly planned and executed. And the editing in this film contributes to its pitch-perfect timing. There's never a dull moment in the whole movie. Every time I watch it I feel like I've only been watching for 4 minutes when it ends.

The landscapes are really stunning in this, and I feel like there's a nod to current issues of the late 80s (showing whales and other fish/sea creatures in realistic scenes at the beginning, whales and the oceans were really a THING around this time) without being so contemporary that it hurts (see also Oliver & Co).

If anyone doesn't like this movie, I'd be really curious to hear why, because it's a perspective I haven't heard often. I'd be curious what parts just didn't work for some folks.

June 8th, 2021
Pete's Dragon
A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.

Recent Snark

Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.

Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews is a genuine delight, whether she's being fun or she's irritated. It's not just her voice, her whole presence is just delightful. George and Winifred Banks are excellent side characters, and the kids are as adorable as they need to be. Dick Van Dyke is a national treasure and I won't hear a word against him.

Structurally, there's not really a plot, but that makes sense given that it's based on a series of kind of episodic books. It's also very long. I think the length and episodic nature takes away from the character study of stuffy, cross Mr. Banks and how he learns from his children (and Mary Poppins and Bert) how to retain a sense of wonder and joy. But it's consistently fun. The music is delightful, the dancing is wonderful, and the adventures Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids go on are spectacular. I'm sure I have nostalgia for it but I think this stands up, to be honest.

The dings on the grade are for occasional bad costumes, bad makeup, the length, the imperialist nonsense. I'm honestly tempted to raise it back up because of the flawless animation/live action melding.

September 13th, 2022
Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.

A Goofy Movie

I know this is shameful for someone my age but I've never seen this movie before. I may have caught bits of it when my brothers were younger, but the only thing I remember is Pauly Shore doing the leaning tower of cheese-a. I'm pretty much going into this one blind.

March 1st, 2022