Film Snark

Fflewddur Fflam, an old white man with white hair and eyebrows, wearing a brown tunic, orange cape, brown hat with a pink feather, stands next to Taran, a young white boy with auburn hair, a green tunic and green tabard, and Eilonwy, a young white girl in a purple dress with a blue bodice and blonde hair. They are surrounded by glowing tiny fairies and they're in a cave.
D+
Disney Animated Features

The Black Cauldron
Released: July 24th, 1985

What.......the fuck.........just happened.

"Legend has it, in the mystic land of Prydain. There was once a king so cruel, and so evil, that even the gods feared him. Since no prison could hold him, he was thrown alive into a crucible of molting iron. There his demonic spirit was captured, in the form of a great black cauldron. For uncounted centuries The Black Cauldron lay hidden, while evil men searched for it. Knowing whoever possessed it, would have the power to resurrect an army of deathless warriors. And with them, rule the world."

Notable Grossness

That forest creature forcing Pig Boy and the Princess Whatever to kiss. That was gross af. There is an egregious amount of boob in this film, and if the writing had been better they would have really doubled down on making the fat lady witch the butt of the joke - the only thing that saved it from that cliche is that the writing was awful. They also made the fat lady gypsy dancer (JFC COME ON) the butt of the joke, too, so that's two in one movie. Nice work, Disney

Uhhhhhhhhhhhh okay. So. I've never seen the Black Cauldron before.

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what the hell

With an opening like that, you would think this thing would be right up my alley, right? Well.

So this movie is like Disney does D&D. I was surprised at how much devil talk there was and I wonder if some of that was influenced by the fact that America was in the middle of Satanic Panic when this was made. At first I was like, "AW YEAH I'M GONNA BE SO INTO THIS MOVIE" and then the whole thing pretty much devolved.

Let's start with the animation. It's..........all right. Some of the effects are super cool (like the fairies all rising out of the weird hole in the middle of the cave, that was beautiful), especially the effects around the cauldron itself. But for the most part their attempts at new perspective and the part where you get a dragon's-eye-view of the pig getting chased fell short for me. The animation in general we're gonna give a C. Why was the lead witch wearing a sweat band? I know this was the 80s but come on. Taran, a young white boy with red hair, wearing a green shirt and brown vest, stands in a room with stone walls, and lifts a sword that's flashing in bright pink, blue and orange, and has a gold hilt. The caption reads, 'When you take all your skeeball tickets to the prize guy'

The audio in this film is terrible. I literally have no idea what anybody's name is - I know they're weird fantasy-ish names, but I could. not. hear. them. properly. There are some really choice films for sound design in Disney's ouvre and this is a massive let down. This kid's voice acting is TERRIBLE. I was wondering if that weird forest dude is the guy who did the voice for Abu, but he's not. He also sounded like Gollum. I swear to god if someone called the kid Pig Boy one more time I was gonna lose my shit.

The pacing in this film is painful. That was the slowest death of a bad guy ever. And a lot of the animation sequences have effects seemingly without cause. Suddenly the dragon is getting pulled into the cauldron? Where the hell was he this whole time? Why did he suddenly show up halfway sucked into the cauldron?

I literally can't refer to anybody by name because I don't know what their names are and I couldn't hear them, but the green dude who is the Horned King's sidekick was sometimes funny and sometimes caused me a lot of anxiety. He was just too all over the place. To be honest I don't know how a movie could have moved so slowly and caused me so much stress and anxiety at the same time. I kind of like the premise but the animation was just so distracting. The writing was also awful. Several times I exclaimed aloud "What the actual fuck is this," and my notes have more than one instance of, "What the fuck is happening in this movie" in them.

All that said, the beginning was very compelling, and I really reacted emotionally to a lot of stuff in the first third. When the dragons took the pig it was literally SCARY. But ultimately, I don't give a crap about the characters; every time I wanted to like one of them they got weird or said something ignorant or were just boring. I wrote less than a third of the way through, "Is this kid ever not a dick? It's not looking good." But also one of my notes was, "Um, excuse me, the cutest fortune-telling pig." Because she is.

This is a weird one, y'all.

May 11th, 2021
Pete's Dragon
A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.

Recent Snark

Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.

Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews is a genuine delight, whether she's being fun or she's irritated. It's not just her voice, her whole presence is just delightful. George and Winifred Banks are excellent side characters, and the kids are as adorable as they need to be. Dick Van Dyke is a national treasure and I won't hear a word against him.

Structurally, there's not really a plot, but that makes sense given that it's based on a series of kind of episodic books. It's also very long. I think the length and episodic nature takes away from the character study of stuffy, cross Mr. Banks and how he learns from his children (and Mary Poppins and Bert) how to retain a sense of wonder and joy. But it's consistently fun. The music is delightful, the dancing is wonderful, and the adventures Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids go on are spectacular. I'm sure I have nostalgia for it but I think this stands up, to be honest.

The dings on the grade are for occasional bad costumes, bad makeup, the length, the imperialist nonsense. I'm honestly tempted to raise it back up because of the flawless animation/live action melding.

September 13th, 2022
Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.

A Goofy Movie

I know this is shameful for someone my age but I've never seen this movie before. I may have caught bits of it when my brothers were younger, but the only thing I remember is Pauly Shore doing the leaning tower of cheese-a. I'm pretty much going into this one blind.

March 1st, 2022