Film Snark

Bernard, a gray mouse with a red turtleneck and red newsboy cap, and Bianca, a white mouse with a purple fur hat and a purple cape with a bow tied in the front sit in a brown leaf on a body of gray water, with fog around them.
D
Disney Animated Features

The Rescuers
Released: June 22nd, 1977

This one was way disappointing. It's unfortunate.

Ech. It's partially my own fault because I love the Rescuers Down Under SO MUCH, but I was salty about this one from the beginning. However, I am not without reason when I state that the animation in this film is AWFUL. AWFUL. AWFUL. The backgrounds, the colors, the weird ass sometimes-real-sometimes-animated fireworks footage. The animals are all the wrong size. Muskrats are over a foot long! What are you even doing, animators?! Bernard's superstition never paid off. What was the point of it. Also why does Orville do the Goofy holler? Get out of here with that junk.

Notable Grossness

Bernard - you complete assbutt. "LOL LADIES DON'T GO ON MISSIONS" Can I have volunteers? EVERY DUDE IS OBSESSED WITH BIANCA LOLOLOLOL

Bob Newhart as Bernard is adorable. I loved Eva Gabor in Green Acres, but she's doing nothing for me as a voice actress. It's also probably because this is the second movie she's voiced where the story and animation is garbage. Even the sound effects are garbage - Rufus purring sounds like me trying to make a purring cat noise, not something a sound department got paid a shit ton of money to do professionally. Penny, a little white girl with blond hair in two pigtails, wearing a yellow nightshirt, holds and snuggles a stuffed light brown Winnie the Pooh toy wearing a red shirt, closing her eyes. The caption reads, 'Disney, why did you make me hate this little girl?'

The plot is slow as hell. The music is annoying. I don't care about a single one of the characters. It's obvious they took a lot of inspiration for Medusa from Cruella De Vil, and just...........does it even worse, somehow. I'm also getting sick of Bianca's "a lady does things like X!" shtick and we're only like 20 minutes in.

Look, the only good part of this movie is Orville crashing his damn ass, and then taking off like a maniac who can't catch his breath. I don't honestly have much to say.

April 27th, 2021
Pete's Dragon
A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.

Recent Snark

Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.

Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews is a genuine delight, whether she's being fun or she's irritated. It's not just her voice, her whole presence is just delightful. George and Winifred Banks are excellent side characters, and the kids are as adorable as they need to be. Dick Van Dyke is a national treasure and I won't hear a word against him.

Structurally, there's not really a plot, but that makes sense given that it's based on a series of kind of episodic books. It's also very long. I think the length and episodic nature takes away from the character study of stuffy, cross Mr. Banks and how he learns from his children (and Mary Poppins and Bert) how to retain a sense of wonder and joy. But it's consistently fun. The music is delightful, the dancing is wonderful, and the adventures Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids go on are spectacular. I'm sure I have nostalgia for it but I think this stands up, to be honest.

The dings on the grade are for occasional bad costumes, bad makeup, the length, the imperialist nonsense. I'm honestly tempted to raise it back up because of the flawless animation/live action melding.

September 13th, 2022
Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.

A Goofy Movie

I know this is shameful for someone my age but I've never seen this movie before. I may have caught bits of it when my brothers were younger, but the only thing I remember is Pauly Shore doing the leaning tower of cheese-a. I'm pretty much going into this one blind.

March 1st, 2022