Film Snark

Three kittens are pushing out of a flap door in a brown wooden wall, Toulouse (an orange cat), Marie (a white cat with a pink hair bow and a pink bow collar), and Berlioz (a dark brown cat).
D
Disney Animated Features

The Aristocats
Released: December 24th, 1970

This movie is garbage.

Ugh, the animation..............UGH UGH UGH.

Notable Grossness

Once again - the scat cat is the black cat. Who knew. </false shocked face> JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THE SIAMESE CAT. They doubled the fuck down on Lady and the Tramp's Siamese cats, 15 years later still at the same bullshit. Fuck you, Aristocats.

I forgot Eva Gabor did Duchess' voice. When she talked the first time it came out way more high pitched than I thought it was going to, and it took me a long time to adapt.

Can I please reiterate. The animation. oof. The sketch lines are horrible. The cats aren't ever drawn consistently. Nor are the people. The textures are childish and inexpert.

I don't care about anybody in this film. Edgar can't even put his pants on. Seems like maybe he should wait until the old lady is dead before he tries to kill the cats? Also if he was going to take them out into the world and poison them, why wouldn't he poison them all the way and then dispose of the bodies? I guess that's what happens when a person who can't put on his pants without ripping them tries to murder somebody. I don't care about the cats. They are boring.

One good line: "Ladies do not start fights, but they can finish them."

Why are there hillbilly dogs in France? Why are these random-ass hillbilly dogs attacking Edgar for like 20 minutes? I'm not kidding, it's like 20 minutes.

What kind of maniac wakes up in the middle of the night and goes to wake up her cats to make sure they're okay in the storm. Like, lady, if they didn't end up in your bed, they're probably fine.

I hate Tom O'Malley. His song is useless as hell, and he comes out of nowhere for no reason. Tom almost killed them by trying to run the truck off the road.

Okay also - why are all the newspapers reporting cat and dog napping on front pages? Like, that's such a primary plot bit in this movie and in 101 Dalmatians.

I'm super glad we just spent 20 minutes having geese teach the cats to walk. Really, really glad. And then 20 minutes with a drunk screaming goose. And then 20 minutes fishing for hats and scritchscratching dogs in an almost inappropriate way. So great. </EPIC SARCASM> A white goose with a ripped stovetop hat and an orange beak stumbles drunkenly on the sidewalk next to a lamppost. The caption reads 'Drunk Screaming Goose; Most Interesting Character in the Whole Movie'.

I stg I hate this movie. Why is this movie still happening. Why is it not over yet. End this movie or end my life.

I am close to killing someone over me having to watch this movie. Legit Edgar is the most useless. "I know, I'll ship them to Timbuktu!" Or you could legit put them in the sack and then run them over with the car. You are a bumbling moron.

"My home for all the alley cats of Paris" omg when is someone going to take her away to Bedlam? Like, somebody help me here.

April 6th, 2021
Pete's Dragon
A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.

Recent Snark

Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.

Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews is a genuine delight, whether she's being fun or she's irritated. It's not just her voice, her whole presence is just delightful. George and Winifred Banks are excellent side characters, and the kids are as adorable as they need to be. Dick Van Dyke is a national treasure and I won't hear a word against him.

Structurally, there's not really a plot, but that makes sense given that it's based on a series of kind of episodic books. It's also very long. I think the length and episodic nature takes away from the character study of stuffy, cross Mr. Banks and how he learns from his children (and Mary Poppins and Bert) how to retain a sense of wonder and joy. But it's consistently fun. The music is delightful, the dancing is wonderful, and the adventures Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids go on are spectacular. I'm sure I have nostalgia for it but I think this stands up, to be honest.

The dings on the grade are for occasional bad costumes, bad makeup, the length, the imperialist nonsense. I'm honestly tempted to raise it back up because of the flawless animation/live action melding.

September 13th, 2022
Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.

A Goofy Movie

I know this is shameful for someone my age but I've never seen this movie before. I may have caught bits of it when my brothers were younger, but the only thing I remember is Pauly Shore doing the leaning tower of cheese-a. I'm pretty much going into this one blind.

March 1st, 2022