Film Snark

Merlin, an old white man with a very long white beard, wearing a rainbow shirt, bermuda shorts with palm trees on them, a red baseball cap, and red athletic shoes in Chuck Taylor style, appears to be dancing a jig while holding a staff in his hand. He's in a grand room of a castle with a red carpet on the floor.
B-
Disney Animated Features

The Sword in the Stone
Released: December 25th, 1963

This movie is so dang adorable. Not the best thing ever, but fun and silly.

I love the characters in this movie. Merlin is a joy. "What's all this noise about London? They can't wait for the London Times, first edition isn't due for :looks at his watch: 1200 years." He is such an agent of chaos - in one breath he says "You can't use magic to solve your problems" and in the next breath he's washing the dishes for Wart with magic, saying, "No one will know the difference" when Wart protests that he's supposed to do it himself. Hahahaha, when he gets in the fight with the lady squirrel, hilarious; but Wart breaking the other lady squirrel's heart makes me so sad every time. "Blow me to Bermuda!"

Notable Grossness

None! Hooray!

I love every single minute Wart and Merlin are animals. They definitely used the part where Wart traps the pike in a chainlink as inspiration for Ariel catching the shark in The Little Mermaid, and I love it as a callback.

Archimedes is the best curmudgeon. Ector! What a complete doofus. I love him until he's mean to Wart. Pellinor is also one of my favorite string-bean-y lookin' dudes. I hate Kay - he's a complete dick.

Could we please just take a minute to talk about how Madam Mim is my goddamn Patronus. "Sounds like someone's sick. How lovely. I do hope it's serious. Something dreadful." She's one of my cosplay goals, and I have decision paralysis on what fabric to use. "Want to fight?! :slap slap slap: Want to have a Wizard's Duel?!?!?!?!" OH GAWD THE WIZARDS DUEL! It's so great. "I HATE SUNSHINE" Omg I love her.

The animation in this one is just as shady as 101 Dalmatians. Some parts are great, others are not great. I looked it up for a minute and it looks like this new method of animation from 101 Dalmatians saved a lot of money by copying the animator sketches to animation cels directly, eliminating inking. Apparently Sleeping Beauty didn't make enough money to recoup costs, so they tried this method in 101 Dalmatians and it saved tons of money. They used the same method in Sword in the Stone (and most of the films up through the 80s, refining along the way). You can tell it's a little better in Sword in the Stone than it was in Dalmatians, but it's still got a long way to go. That article can be found here: https://ohmy.disney.com/insider/2016/01/11/why-does-101-dalmatians-look-like-that I also think that there are some experiments with moving the camera over animation cels (like the car crash in Dalmatians) that don't pay off and just make the screen jittery. Arthur, nickname 'Wart,' a white boy with blond hair around the age of 12, wearing a brown tunic with a high neck and holding a blue teacup, shakes his head, his eyes wide. The caption says, 'Do not want.'

Complete side note: The wolf being caught in the log feels very Wile E Coyote to me.

March 23rd, 2021
Pete's Dragon
A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.

Recent Snark

Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.

Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews is a genuine delight, whether she's being fun or she's irritated. It's not just her voice, her whole presence is just delightful. George and Winifred Banks are excellent side characters, and the kids are as adorable as they need to be. Dick Van Dyke is a national treasure and I won't hear a word against him.

Structurally, there's not really a plot, but that makes sense given that it's based on a series of kind of episodic books. It's also very long. I think the length and episodic nature takes away from the character study of stuffy, cross Mr. Banks and how he learns from his children (and Mary Poppins and Bert) how to retain a sense of wonder and joy. But it's consistently fun. The music is delightful, the dancing is wonderful, and the adventures Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids go on are spectacular. I'm sure I have nostalgia for it but I think this stands up, to be honest.

The dings on the grade are for occasional bad costumes, bad makeup, the length, the imperialist nonsense. I'm honestly tempted to raise it back up because of the flawless animation/live action melding.

September 13th, 2022
Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.

A Goofy Movie

I know this is shameful for someone my age but I've never seen this movie before. I may have caught bits of it when my brothers were younger, but the only thing I remember is Pauly Shore doing the leaning tower of cheese-a. I'm pretty much going into this one blind.

March 1st, 2022