Film Snark

There's an enormous thicket of black thorns with a gray stone-paved road running through the middle. Prince Philip is a small figure in the foreground, riding a white horse, carrying a sword, and wearing a red cape. He is charging towards a huge black dragon (Maleficent in her dragon form), who is breathing yellow and orange fire at Prince Philip.
A+
Disney Animated Features

Sleeping Beauty
Released: January 20th, 1959

MASTERPIECE. I think this is going to start getting a lot harder 30 years from now - Little Mermaid is in 1989, and I have an inkling how the films between Sleeping Beauty and Little Mermaid are going to get ranked, but once we hit my childhood movies, this is going to get pretty difficult.

I can never say enough about Sleeping Beauty. The artwork is stunning. The music is all memorable and charming. I don't know what's going to happen when I have to compare Once Upon a Dream to the music in Moana, I think my brain might melt. Princess Aurora singing I Wonder and Once Upon a Dream is one of my favorite scenes of all time. I love the way the animals are animated (they carry this animation style through to Sword in the Stone). Aurora's hair is so beautiful, with the big looping curls.

Notable Grossness

Maleficent calling her henchman idiots. But also she's evil as hell.

Also, Prince Philip is BAE OMG. "No carrots"

Of course I've sorted the fairies into houses; they don't wear the right colors but Flora is a Gryffindor, Fauna is a Hufflepuff, and Merryweather is obviously a Slytherin. Fight me.

Watching the fairies suck at domestic skills is hilarious. Fauna, a white woman in her middle ages with gray hair, wearing a green peasant dress and a green head kerchief, stands in the kitchen of a woodland cottage in front of a bowl of off-white batter. She puts two eggs in the batter whole, with the shells on, then folds the batter over the eggs and pushes down to knead the batter, and her eyes go wide in shock. The caption reads, 'Shit'

Merryweather's pissy face while Flora's got her rigged up in the hideous dress is choice. I also adore that they start fighting with each other about the color because Merryweather is pranking Flora. Obviously, this movie isn't really about Sleeping Beauty. The protagonists are the good fairies. They're heroes who have to protect an innocent and enlist the help of a prince to battle a great evil.

Can we please talk about the fucking magnificence that is Maleficent? She's not hiding it. She is EVIL AF. She calls her minions "a disgrace to the forces of evil". She knows what she's doing; she's a student of the dark arts for pete's sake. "You thought you could defeat me? Me, the mistress of all evil?!" I appreciate someone who wears their evil on their sleeve. She even invokes "all the powers of hell" at one point so basically she's the devil. This is now canon. Maleficent, an extremely pale/greenish-skinned white woman with bright red lips and dark purple eyeshadow, black eyebrows, a black high-collared dress and cape, and a black hood with large horns tilts her head back, laughing. She's holding a black staff with a green glowing sphere on top. The caption reads, 'Die mad about it'

One of my favorite parts is when the minions say they were looking in all the cradles and she totally loses her shit with maniacal laughter. "Do you hear that my pet? All this time they've been looking for a BABY. AhahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAA" So classic.

King Stefan and King Hubert getting drunk and fighting is legit one of the funniest scenes. "I'm not sure my grandchildren want YOU as a grandfather!" There is not a single scene in this film that I don't love, let's be honest.

This movie just never stops - the action is constant and it's consistently interesting and funny. The animation is also consistently spectacular. This is one of my favorite styles of Disney by far.

March 9th, 2021
Pete's Dragon
A movie release poster shows a group of white people, 4 men, a woman, and a young boy, surrounding a green animated dragon with pink wings and red hair. The poster says "Coming at Christmas, Walt Disney Productions' Pete's Dragon"
Bedknobs and Broomsticks
Five human actors, a woman, a man, and three children of various ages, sit on a flying brass bed with a floral blanket, with the moon and clouds behind them. Below them, illustrated animals are in various poses: two fish dance together (one in a suit); two fish and an octopus play in a band together with the words "The Briny Boys" on the front of the drum kit; an alligator, a rhino, and a gorilla run around a soccer field in yellow and green athletic outfits; a lion in a crown and red royal robe stands with one foot on the soccer ball; and a secretary bird in a suit with glasses stands watching.

Recent Snark

Bert, a chimney sweep, Jane, a young blonde child in a red dress and yellow overcoat, Michael, a young strawberry blonde child in short pants and a button coat, and Mary Poppins, a nanny in a red dress with a black hat with white flowers, stand on a rooftop, covered in soot.

Mary Poppins

Julie Andrews is a genuine delight, whether she's being fun or she's irritated. It's not just her voice, her whole presence is just delightful. George and Winifred Banks are excellent side characters, and the kids are as adorable as they need to be. Dick Van Dyke is a national treasure and I won't hear a word against him.

Structurally, there's not really a plot, but that makes sense given that it's based on a series of kind of episodic books. It's also very long. I think the length and episodic nature takes away from the character study of stuffy, cross Mr. Banks and how he learns from his children (and Mary Poppins and Bert) how to retain a sense of wonder and joy. But it's consistently fun. The music is delightful, the dancing is wonderful, and the adventures Mary Poppins and Bert and the kids go on are spectacular. I'm sure I have nostalgia for it but I think this stands up, to be honest.

The dings on the grade are for occasional bad costumes, bad makeup, the length, the imperialist nonsense. I'm honestly tempted to raise it back up because of the flawless animation/live action melding.

September 13th, 2022
Bigfoot, a giant humanoid creature with red fur, sits in front of a cardboard box with a downward pointing arrow on the side, wearing a pair of white men's briefs underwear on his head. He holds the crotch hole open with his fingers so he can look out. Goofy, a dog-like humanoid cartoon with black skin and a pale face, and long ears, watches from his yellow car several hundred feet behind Bigfoot, with his son Max in the passenger seat; Max looks similar to Goofy.

A Goofy Movie

I know this is shameful for someone my age but I've never seen this movie before. I may have caught bits of it when my brothers were younger, but the only thing I remember is Pauly Shore doing the leaning tower of cheese-a. I'm pretty much going into this one blind.

March 1st, 2022